Partner

You are such a perfect pair! The mantra of the wedding reception.  Thoughtful and insightful this statement is also superficial and intolerable. Being a partner takes work.  I define the partnership I seek in my significant other as: a man who helps me not only find the way but see the way, who supports and challenges me and asks me to do the same, who works with me to solve problems, brainstorm situations, and complete tasks, someone who can be a goof-ball and who loves all of me, even the ugly parts, and someone who is willing to fight with me for us. Written down it seems like a regal declaration.  A modest and yet mindful request. In reality, it is messy. I have never been good at group work. In school, I hated it when teachers assigned me a partner. Thinking back, there was never anyone I felt would do the work I required of the task.  Boyfriends in their "departing interview" would state that I set unreasonably standards.  That I was too much of a hard-ass. I saw this side of me again today. In planning the wedding, I have micro-managed every detail.  Holding all helpers at arms length, I reveled in the planning: the bliss of seeing the vision come to life and the secretly-satisfying anxiety of being overwhelmed.  When it comes to asking for help, therefore I don't do it right. I guess people who are better at it say things like, "I am feeling this way or that way and could use some help." In an sudden outburst of need, like a torrential downpour so heavy it cannot last too long, I blurt out a demand.....which is a request. Startled the receiver of the request does not see that this item flung smack in their face is actually a moment of vulnerability on my end. The communication is mis-communicated.  Both of us stand on opposite sides of the battlefield now, one feeling hurt the other surprised. What happened to the storybook ending?  What is the messy mud we have steeped into?  The standoff ends with a text "How was lunch?"  The Cold War ceases....as though it never was there.  It is easy then to say from the outside, "what a perfect pair!" On the inside, you know it is true, but sometimes it flashes away.  It is tenuous and concrete all at once...it is a true partnership.